Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf

Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.

Mom: Did you dye your hair?

* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *

How did you know?

Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E

“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

bruh why was i singing a song in the uber and the driver was like “nah u havin too much fun” and changed the song ????😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*

Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.

Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends

“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world

I’m not drunk enough for this

*gets drunk

I’m too drunk for this

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!

EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-

Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms

wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter

Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.

*beats arachnophobia*

*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*

*fears spiders again*

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

Her: “Is that you in your avi?”

Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician

Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”