I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
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I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
Always be careful when you drink and laugh 🤣
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
All of my tattoos mean something. For example, the Chumbawamba lyrics on my rib cage mean I don’t drink tequila anymore.
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.