I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
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If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
I was getting out of my car, twisted weird, lost my balance, bounced off the car next to me and then back to my car. I hope everyone in the parking lot was taking detailed notes on how to exit your car like a Weeble Wobble.
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
Me: *leans in for a kiss
CPR Instructor: Did you just say ‘leans in for a kiss’???
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
Greeting humans vs their dogs
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
Stress balls work better if you have good aim.
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Wife: Can you turn on the oven?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of oven]
Wife: why for everything