I put my pants on like everyone else.
with hope they still fit.
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No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
My favorite episode of House Hunters is the one where the couple wants an open floor plan, lots of natural light, and room to entertain.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
I think carefully about what I’m going to say and I still manage to say the wrong thing. It’s truly a gift I have.
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…