I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
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whenever i wake up before my alarm
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
What idiot called it the bicycle repair shop and not
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Her: *raises glass* to poor life choices
Me: I’d prefer if you said ‘happy anniversary’.
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
once again, i have fallen for life’s biggest scam: being two hours early for a flight only for security to take roughly seven minutes
St. Peter: Why should I let you into heaven?
Me: Once a coworker said “supposably” 7 times in a meeting & I just let her
StP: Get in here