I put my pants on one leg at a time just like everyone else to avoid arousing suspicion.
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Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Seems a bit forward
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
[Christmas]
ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?
HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?
ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.
wife: you forgot to take the garbage out
me: sorry. I’ll take 2 garbages out tonight
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
This is a whole mood;
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
can someone please help me, i’m still at the fyre festival
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?
SUPER FAT ANT: the who?
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.