I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
So inspired right now.
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
A funny thing to do when someone’s dog barks at you is say, “I don’t speak dog,” and then when they leave the room, speak dog fluently.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?