Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.

Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude

50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.

50% is begging them to be quiet.

Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works

[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?

I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.

If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.

Headlines With Threatening Auras.

My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime

My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.

me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream

wife: what did he say?

me: he kept laughing at me

Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.

Meow

Breakups are hard but have you ever been disappointed in the food you ordered

Cashier: do you need bags?

Me: do any of us NEED anything?

Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too

Me: plastic please

How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.

My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.

my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire

You know what they never show in superhero movies or comics? How do flying heroes know where they are? You’re too high up to see landmarks or street signs. I’m pretty sure I’d have to fly with my phone out the whole time.

Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.

My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”

Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!

Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?

Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.

After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.

I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?

My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.

4-year-old: What’s that?

Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.

*eats her bacon*