I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
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The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
T-Rex teen: Omg, that meteor is so bright, I’m literally dying!
T-Rex mom: don’t be so dramatic…
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
KID: daddy how are idiots made
ME: well you see when another driver and your blindspot love each other very much…
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Fox News and Facebook did to our parents what they said video games would do to us.
If Dave Grohl cheated on his own wife? He could cheat on anybody..