Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation

[1st date]

You’re gonna love this place
*pushes you out the passenger side door and drives away

[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right

Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!

Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:

Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.

[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]

The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch

WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad

ME: the 5 potato options, please

[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.

No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.

[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad

[giving best man speech] can I say something without everybody getting mad

What If When You Die They Ask You

“How Was Heaven?”

wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*

Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?

Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?

Friend: No.

Me: Then, no.

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.

Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?

Me: yes

Therapist: then maybe-

Me: *looking up from phone* wait no

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.

I have witnessed someone face reality.

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.

Wife: Of course not, where is he?

Me: I just told you.

You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?

Meet my cat.

God: you’re my son

Jesus: do I have super powers 😀

God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread

Jesus: :/

God: …fish

Jesus: so who’s my enemy

God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm

Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁

God: oh he’s super duper cool

I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?

Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing children

My mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…

If a vegetarian who eats fish is a pescatarian, is a vegetarian who eats chicken called a poultrygeist?

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face