Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help

(it is unclear who he’s talking to)

Her: I live in Wales.

Me: like Jonah

He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”

“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”

*two steaks giggle*

“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”

Daughter’s math homework: Provide an example of
a) a real number
b) an imaginary number

Daughter:
a) the number displayed on Dad’s bathroom scale
b) the weight listed on his driver’s license

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.

Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three

I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.

Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?

I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue

Me, 30 seconds later:

For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident

[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?

P: No, there hasn’t.

Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]

DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.

Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.

Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”

A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.

Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor

*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*

“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups are my birthstone.

I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.

Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night

Miss Scarlet: No murdering!

Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!

Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao

*long pause*

Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering

Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick

Toddlers will be like I want half an egg but I want half the yolk and half the white and you have to cut it before you crack it and if you puncture the yolk I’ll scream