I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
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Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
I’m really enjoying this drive through the desert. There’s so much to see. Cacti, rocky plateaus, rolling vistas, the occasional coyote on roller skates with a giant magnet on his back, tumbleweeds.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Just saw a sign in a car saying “Baby On Board”
That’s no way to run a business, is it?
Presumably it’s a non-executive role.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now