I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
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I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
Impossible to find a better word than hyperbole.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
me: i can’t believe how much i paid for these 800 thread count sheets
insomnia: me either
gm
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.