I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
You Might Also Like
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Any dinner can be a murder mystery dinner if you’re ambitious enough.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Everyone is using AI to write business emails, texts, etc. At this point in time, we may as well just tell our AIs to talk to each other and then let us know what kind of deal they worked out
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
All I do is answer emails all day. I don’t care whose emails. If I see an email, I answer it. No open computer is safe. My family is worried
Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.