I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
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me: *sobbing* please help him he’s eaten a bunch of socks
veterinarian: I can’t fix a clothes dryer
No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
Oh my. I haven’t laughed this hard in a while. Good ol’ Winnipeg. 🤣
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Pretty certain I can more drunk
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
I miss this era type of pranks😭
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.