*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
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[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
when hoodie season starts don’t ask me if i’m wearing anything under because this is what imma do
The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Me: lol this guy is drunk after only two beers.
Wife: stop giving our toddler beer.
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
[putting away groceries]
I’m really glad I bought these tomatoes to go with [opens fridge and sighs deeply] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 2 days ago and [looks behind those tomatoes with even deeper sigh] these other goddamned tomatoes I bought 3 days ago
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…