Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh yeah that’s it

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.

sistine chapel

11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!

*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*

Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?

MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok

[later]

BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly

[ first date ]

me: i’d like to see you again

chameleon: oh sorry

me: there you are

“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.

Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic

Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean

The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.

Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.

me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go

*stares into distance*

Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

I don’t need anyone with a so-called degree “to” tell me I use quotes wrong.

Kill it with fire!

*douses it in hot sauce*

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”

Very good news from my accountant

Me: I say it will be $750

Hubs: I say $630

Costco cashier: That’ll be $750.29

Me: Oh ya! I am a Costco genius! Woop woop!

Hubs: Yes, let’s celebrate paying the HIGHER amount

*shows up at your work*

“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”

Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.