Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars

DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.

I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.

Grandpa: Who’s that guy?

Me: Captain America.

Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.

Me: No, that’s Thor.

Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?

Me: Um… Yes?

Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.

Get kittens they said… at least then you’ll know why you’re wide awake at 3am every night

In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days

@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3

I really want a family

sized bag of peanut butter m&ms

me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises

Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.

I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.

🤭😂

[first day as a bartender]

boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos

me: *starts serving mitos*

Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?

I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.

I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*

Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.

Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?

You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.

*carrying dog*

Clerk: no pets allowed

Me: *closes eyes* It’s my seeing eye dog.

C: You tried that last week.

M: IT’S MY SEEING EYE DOG!

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??