Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.

“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”

Me: Oh problem, definitely

“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”

Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

(credit Morgz, account missing)

Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.

If you keep the house dark, not only do you save on electricity, but it also looks cleaner.

Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother

In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.

My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down

“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse

riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go

my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”

If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.

Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*

mama: stop that!

monkeys: why hahaha

mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

Women have all the answers to all your questions.

And you don’t even have to ask.

Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks

I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary

In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.

Be specific when saying “BYOB”:

[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*

Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings

Me: too boring, right?

Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop

If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.