Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?

i don’t think he’s the guy. the shooter used a silencer and an italian would never attempt to be quiet in public

[first day as astronaut]

*vomits

Me: That’s normal, right?

Instructor: Not during a written exam, no

Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”

SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*

ME [shaking] omg that’s him!

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.

This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.

“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo

My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…

I don’t know what he said after that.😑

I accidentally dropped my ID as I was showing it to the cashier at the liquor store. I bent down to pick it up and I must have made one of those old people grunts you make when getting off the couch because he said, “you’re good” before I even got to show it to him.

I put my phone in airplane mode.

Worst. Transformer. Ever.

One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards

demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.

“No, my money is in it.”

“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”

“In case I need to make a bet”

New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.

AMERICAN: *talking like it’s no big deal* Yeah I had to drive 47 hours to get home for thanksgiving

ME: *living in UK* If I drive in one direction for 20 minutes I fall into the sea

Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!

Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!

The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.

Interviewer: what interests you about this job?

Me: the pay

Interviewer: can you be more specific?

Me: cash

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

[Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”