Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.

can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again

If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”

I’m gonna open a French fusion hotdog shop and call it:

“Oui-ners”

First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money

the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org

I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.

Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.

Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.

“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.

I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.

On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore

Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France

My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.

Isn’t that precious?

No. He’s 20.

guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.

[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”