I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
kids play hide and seek like
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Woke up against my better judgment again
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
I only drink Smart Water now.
I think it’s really helping my…
my head thinking thingie.
Wife: You need a shower
Me: The pressure’s too low
Wife: OK, have a shower or I’m taking the kids
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
if I was a nepo baby I’d never use my parents’ status to get a job, I’d live off their money and never work
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
no one:
not a soul:
my daughter: if I ever get rich I’m going to buy a family crypt for all of us because we don’t want random dead people buried around us
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Lmao the reply
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
teachers: it’s the 100th day celebration
me: oh wow, alread-
teachers: your kid has to bring something in
me: oh ok, sure what shou-
teachers: 100 somethings
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
How do books end up in a prison library? Do they have to do something bad like giving someone a papercut?
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
