I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
When you go on vacation because your significant other wants to and you want to avoid a fight.
Placation.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
It’s amazing how song lyrics can impact your life.
For instance, when Humpty Hump said “I’m spunky, I like my oatmeal lumpy”, that really spoke to me.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.