I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

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Someone angrily told me “You’re so sarcastic!” That would be like me angrily telling a woman “You’re so beautiful!”


Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”


Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.


The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.


WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old


I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.


Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.


Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.


One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb


In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers