I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
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My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
🤣dope
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
good for her
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
If all the good ones are taken and you are single, what does that make you?
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing
Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus
Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄