@SaintFreckles87

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

You Might Also Like

@Sarcasticsapien

Someone angrily told me “You’re so sarcastic!” That would be like me angrily telling a woman “You’re so beautiful!”

@J0hnnyBlaze

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

@missokistic

Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.

@HoldinCoffeeld

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

@Brianhopecomedy

WANTED: Sanity

LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy

REWARD: 4 year old

@FatherWithTwins

I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.

@mydmac

Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.

Me: I’m so sorry.

@Sickayduh

Bobby Flay’s sister is pretty big in the dessert game too. Sue Flay.

@Sickayduh

One advantage The Monkees had over The Beatles was the opposable thumb

@FeralCrone

In addition to dental offices, the following should be allowed to offer nitrous oxide:
•car dealerships
•gynecologists
•children’s birthday parties when parents have to stay and wait
•nail salons
•work meetings that last longer than 30 minutes
•baby showers