Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.

Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”

I think about that a lot

Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

[me as a snake handler]

Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms

[Couples counseling]
“It’s not good to keep these things bottles up, you know”
Okay, fine
*opens jar of wasps*

PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

wildest thing to me about parenting is you can call poison control and be like, “hi, i just found my toddler with a clorox bleach pen in their mouth and it’s empty. what do i do?” and poison control is basically like, “do they seem fine?” like i could have called any boomer.

Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.

Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.

Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.

Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life

You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.

Cashier: “Have a great day!”

Me: “No thank you.”

Still my favorite television listing of all time:

me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]

Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today

*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples

Actually you’re having a conversation with yourself. I’m just here so you don’t appear totally insane.

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.