I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
I have chosen my priorities!
#studies #exams
taylor swift should write a song about people who don’t return their shopping carts to the corrals
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get both into and out of the shower.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
‘Yes, sir. He’s barricaded himself in. He’s taken two sausages’
My husband in the next room of our small old house trying to store away the unreasonable bounty he brought home from Costco tonight: “I have made errors. Why did I think we had this much room for pancake mix?”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
What goes “ooooooooo”?
A cow with no lips.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
People at the beach are acting like they’ve never seen someone push a little kid out of the way while sprinting to an ice cream truck.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
My friend and I have a pact that if we’re not married by age 40, we’re going to fist bump and take shots for making good decisions
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
When you don’t even acknowledge I held a door open for you, I want to pull you back inside by your neck, and say “now let’s try this again.”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?