I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
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They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.
Chatting to an old couple there going to Majorca. He was so upset. Said he wished he’d brought his piano with him. I explained that it wouldn’t go in the hold and that he’d be back soon enough. He said he understood that, but he’d left their tickets and passports on it.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.