Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.

Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.

Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up

Her: *throws up*

Him: *throws up in her hair*

I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.

Your Game of Thrones name is your biggest fear spelled backwards plus the profession your guidance counselor suggested. Mine is Snwolc Clown

airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?

me: how many spiders am I allowed?

airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*

Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.

You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.

This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen

I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.

I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.

The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*

Does this smell funny?

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes

When someone tries to look at the pics on my phone, I throw my body on it like it’s a live grenade.

I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom

Manager: just got a quick little job for you

Translation: I’ve got a humongous shitty task for you that will make you want to quit your job

Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.

found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs

i think my razor is having a panic attack

CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1

ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.

*awkward silence

GOD: We NEVER use that word here