Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”

When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.

A little too much information.

i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact

The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos

My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.

nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.

Looking good, Kim! #LNSM

No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

Creating horror must be hard because there aren’t horror open mics to try out scary ideas. Where you go up like, “uhhh, what if it’s dark and you hear a baby cry, and you turn on a light and it’s actually a spider?” And your buddy’s like, “hey man, I thought it was pretty scary.”

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS

I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint

Can’t, holding a grudge

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

I’m out of butter but I’ve got some whole milk, a jar and a stick, so I’m about to sit down and get things done.

You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!

Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.

*END CALL*

Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying

quite the party

[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there

Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.

I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.

finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice

Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?

Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.

This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.

Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.

Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.