I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Dietest Coke
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
the duality of man
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
some things should go without saying
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
Don’t worry, if your parachute doesn’t deploy you have the rest of your life to fix it
#OneLiner
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?