Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”

We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee

if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you

A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.

If you don’t fake zombie chew on their heads while you hug your kids once in a while, you’re doing it wrong.

“Have you forgotten your password?”

Fish: 😔

First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright

What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓

Strawbarely.

#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes

watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy

instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..

my father died in a conga line and so shall i

[someone breaks into the house]

Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings

My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff

[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]

“They said no I couldn’t have any money”

Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

In the Target toy aisles-

“No, please put that back”

“I said we aren’t buying anything today”

“You already have dozens of Nerf guns at home!”

– and that’s just me to my husband

A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.

he asked “what are we?” i said we the best

waiter: would you like a box

me: how is it prepared

WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5

ME: ok

[later]

ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud

[first day as a private investigator]

Boss: you’re late

Me: I couldn’t find the building

They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.