I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
8 out of 24 Americans cannot reduce a fraction.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
every time i talk it sounds like it’s my first time trying to speak
God: Hmm now where did I leave that fish? It couldn’t possibly have grown legs and walked away
Darwin: lol ur not gonna believe this
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…