Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?

13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.

Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.

13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.

me: [donating body to science]

science: [donates my body to goodwill]

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

[at the gym]

PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?

*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*

ME: totes

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.

friend: what r u up to

me: eating 3 pounds of pasta

friend: what r u training for

me: eating 5

Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.

Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023

Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.

Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….

My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word

I’m giving a talk at a conference for people who are avid porridge eaters.

I’m the keen oat speaker.

*coughs*

My 5yo’s Kindergarten teacher put me in charge of the painting center so she really shouldn’t be surprised to find out I blew up her car.

Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.

[cop taps on my fogged up car window on make-out hill]
ME: *alone holding a huge steamy bucket of fried chicken* what’s the problem officer

It’s Sunday morning. My 80-year-old neighbor has hiked and weeded her garden. I spent ten minutes trying to reach the remote with my foot.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.

Baking is just science you can eat.

Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning

“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]

Me: I just want to sleep!

Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!

Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.

I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years

Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.

Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.