I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
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Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
Getting closure is important.
*lies on bed to zip up jeans*
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
I found a doctor online and I was happy because I could sign up for an appointment without contacting anybody. Since 3:15pm yesterday, I have received 13 contacts from them for today’s appointment.
My kid: It’s not fair. You get to do whatever you want.
Me, who just finished scrubbing the dog’s vomit off the carpet and is now cooking dinner for the family:
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
my retirement plan is braless
The Book. The Movie.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Hey! This isn’t my car!
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester