Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.

So I’ve got that going for me.

I think this should do it.

You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.

Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.

I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.

ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”

Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk

Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps

(3 minutes into a hunger strike)

Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.

a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl

My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?

His cousin: yeah sure

My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?

Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.

The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.

me: just tell me what to do

universe: *gives me a clear sign*

me: well that could be for anybody

When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon

HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?

ME: I do not.

doctor: you need a knee replacement

me: great i would like slinkies

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

At the State Fair and can’t find my family anywhere so headed over to look for em at the beer garden for about an hour.

When people tell me they trust a product because ‘It’s natural.’, I like to remind them that arsenic is also natural.

There’s nothing funnier than a grown man aggressively dancing at somebody.

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?

This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.

[opening birthday cards]

me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these

walmart clerk: put those back

You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.