Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

Glass caskets: will they become popular?

Remains to be seen.

[first day as a drug dealer]

Buyer: got any Morphine?

Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*

*shaking chip crumbs into my mouth*

May it please the Court.

You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.

Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.

My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.

The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car

ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”

Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me

proverbs are so mean. like i don’t deserve any worm because i woke up at 11am? like no worm at all

I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”

When you’re a snowman, everything smells like a carrot

There are two wolves inside of me and one of them could really use a mint.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

ME: I’ll take it

AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here

ME: perfect

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.

I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.

Whenever someone tells me how well behaved my kids are I say it’s cause they’re not at home.

Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please

I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”

HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes

MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed

I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up