I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
“I enjoy long walks…”
-Zombies
A face that lunched a thousand chips.
As a parent on vacation, the absolute dumbest thing you can do is let the kids stay up late, assuming they’ll sleep in. Ask me how I know.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
I’ve had some terrible ideas but never “chili restaurant in an airport” bad
Expecting your first baby’s exciting but have you ever ordered a new coffee machine?
There are some people that, when you think about them, you just feel better. And that’s nice.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Girlfriend: Why can’t you ever take anything seriously?
Me: *Miss Piggy voice* Moi?!
God I love corduroy pants. If only the fire department would allow me to wear them
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
[Jeopardy]
Disease for $500 Alex
“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”
What’s better than catching a man cold?
“Correct!”
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.