Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
“Dad, what’s a coworker?”
“Someone you block on social media.”
I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Which idiot called it a vasectomy?
Rather than ‘I kid you not’
Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.