@lmegordon

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

You Might Also Like

@ahuj9

Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

@JohnLyonTweets

Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?

@cheers27402373

“Dad, what’s a coworker?”

“Someone you block on social media.”

@dreamthievin

I’m such a film buff I can always tell when a fake dinosaur is used in a movie.

@JJSummertime

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

@StewieTea2

Which idiot called it a vasectomy?

Rather than ‘I kid you not’

@ANNIEwayyyy

Just bought gas for $1.32/gallon. Don’t own a car but couldn’t pass up the bargain.

@josh___grant

Batman-

See, kids?

Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.

@NathanBgood

Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.

@elunatyk

I am taking a vow of celibacy. I will not have any sex until somebody is willing to have sex with me. I stand firm on this.