I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
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[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
[train]
MAN EATING NUTS: “Want one?” [offers bag]
MAN IN TRENCHCOAT: “May I have… seven?”
[coat rustles excitedly]
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Remember before Amazon reviews when you could just buy a toothbrush without 6 hours of research?
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?