I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
You Might Also Like
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
Day 1: [Stranded on an island] Is this where it ends for me?
Day 2: Ok, I need to get to know this place
Day 3: I’ve spotted what appears to be monkeys.
Day 4: Omg I’ve just seen a person
Day 5: Ok, this is a zoo.
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
You’re born alone and you die alone. And a bunch of people annoy you in the middle. Okay, good night.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
[at Starbucks]
Barista: Coffee?
Me: Yes, a medium please
Coffee: I’m strongly sensing the presence of your great grand aunt Lucille