Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
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When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
4 year old spent 10 minutes telling me about his grazed knee and how it “really really hurts” but when he showed me it looked fine. He got mad that I couldn’t see the graze. Then he realised he was showing me the wrong knee
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Mom always said to wear clean underwear in case I got hit by a bus and I’m like “they wouldn’t be clean anyway mom!”
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
[meeting]
Assistant: ok, so here I have a cappuccino, an americano, a soy latte and one decaf with tears of innocent children
Demon in the back: I have the soy latte
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?
Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.