“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

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me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread


I genuinely have no clue what other kids were doing during my childhood while I talked shit with the parents. my brother ran up to me one time and screamed “get your bike, we’re looking for frogs!”

are you insane? I’m trying to talk with Brent’s mom about her divorce.


People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!


this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes


*do a little dance*

*make a little love*

*get kicked out of this funeral*


I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.


Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?