“I put on pants for nothing”

– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.

Someone set up her Twitter account.

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Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.


I DO help with the laundry. My wife just doesn’t understand.

I wear the same jeans for like two weeks straight.


me: I’m gonna work from home today

co-pilot: wait


If you think you’re bad with words, imagine the first guy to say “There there” when consoling someone


I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.


India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.


My GFs good traits:

Young, gorgeous, incredible in bed and has a dragon

Bad traits:

Imaginary- but I overlook these because of the dragon


How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’