I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
“I put on pants for nothing”
– my 10 yo after she got dressed and her soccer game was cancelled.
Someone set up her Twitter account.
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When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
[holds up egg]
This is your brain
[cracks egg into frying pan]
This is your brain if it was some scrambled eggs
9 out of 10 child psychologists believe TV’s shouldn’t be babysitters
9 out of 10 child psychologists don’t have children
That awkward moment when someone is washing dishes and you slowly put your glass in the sink.
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
When your pharmacist actually wants you to die.