I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
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Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
grandpa: what do u call a dog in alaska
me: grandpa, no
grandpa: WHAT DO U CALL A DOG IN ALASKA
me: grandpa please
grandpa: A CHILI DOG
me: grandpa, I-
grandpa: WRITE THAT ON YOUR TWEETER
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Coworker: Stop
Me: collaborate and listen
Coworker: Don’t
Me: you forget about me
Coworker: Hey!
Me: teacher, leave them kids alone