I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
Morning my dudes.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.