I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
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For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
My mom just called me “one of the most level headed people she knows” and now I’m deeeeeply concerned about her inner circle
sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
Apparently they check bags at the movies now tell me why I admitted to all my snacks talmbout some “Ok wait, i can explain, it’s just cheetos and wine” and the cop was confused as hell assuring me “Ma’am we are searching for weapons”
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
i don’t want fries. i want YOUR fries.
went to this place once that claims it’s a brewery that doesn’t brew any of the beer it serves and the bartender was like “yep we are the first of our kind” & i didn’t have the heart to tell him that he opened up a bar, that’s a bar, bro
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago