Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?

Me: *chainsaw noises*

If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.

I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.

One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”

Based Erika

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.

I didn’t even know I had a wife.

Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂

Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!

*our canoe tips over*

Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.

Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat

Me: I made you a CD.

Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence

I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal

me: i recently lost my job

date: oh no what happened

me: the office relocated and i can’t find it

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason

Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars

Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone

Him: But, you hate coconut?

Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job

Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.

[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you

Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.

My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.

Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.

Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?

Dumb Bob: You add S.

T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.

DB: [writes] SNAIL

THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan