Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.

I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.

Plants are ALIVE, vegans.

You disgust me.

boss: you’re late

me: I broke down on the way here

boss: did they tow your car?

me: car?

The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.

For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.

IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers

IKEA double challenge: add cats

IKEA triple challenge: now wine

My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.

me: I wish my dad was alive

genie: done

[elsewhere]

dad: *stuck in a coffin* oh no not again

British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit

Me: *no idea what that means* haha same

My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?

Detective: He’s white

Other detective: A muscular build

Me: He kills people

you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

Maine is beautiful and calm.

Stephen King: Hold my balloon.

Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!

I have three higher degrees and yet I just opened a bottle of fizzy water that’s been in my rucksack all day on the bus, proving once again that academic prowess has absolutely no correlation to intelligence

Her: is it in yet

Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me

Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you

John Wick: contract killer

John Wink: lady killer 😉

[bedtime]

me: babe we forgot to lock the door

him: not it

murderer under the bed: not it

me: fine I’ve got it

I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs

Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.

Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…