I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
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[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I am having an out of money experience.
Some ppl like I TRUST ONLY YOU WITH MY SECRET DONT TELL ANYBODY and then go tell it to 10 ppl
[Me on Shark Tank]
*shows the sharks a picture of their families tied up*
I’m looking for 100k for the safe return of your families
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Me: After all these years, I feel like all you offer me is false support
Limb technician:…well it’s kinda my job Greg, otherwise you’d be hopping home.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
grim reaper: hey man just checking in, how ar-
*camera pan to me trying to get toast out of a toaster with two forks*
grim reaper: ok yeah just come with me
[Dog Restaurant]
“Is the Book Report any good?”
Yes, Sir.
“How’s it prepared?”
A 9yo stayed up till 3am to finish it.
“Ooh, I’ll have that.”
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
[interrogation]
“Where were you on the night of the 5th?”
“Dealing drugs.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“Healing pugs. I’m a pug vet.”
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God