I put out peanuts for the birds every morning and they have started bringing me elastic bands. I don’t speak bird, what could this mean, and do I have to eat the elastic bands now?
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YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)