I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Him: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Welcome to your 40s.
If you don’t have a back pain, one will be assigned to you.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.