I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
You’re not allowed to be an eyewitness on the news unless you’re the most confused person at the scene.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
Orange is oranging 🟠
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Simple
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”