I put sea salt on my seafood, so they can be reunited. Because I like happy endings.
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Knuckle tats:
(H)(E)(L)(P) (M)(E)(U)(P)
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
I’m with North Korea when comes to being offended by James Franco and Seth Rogen.
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
‘Toddler’ is such a funny term. At no other age do we identity someone by the way they walk. “My slouchy strider got detention today.” “My hunched shuffler keeps forgetting to take his meds.”
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.