Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.

Kidnapper: We have your wife.

Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!

Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you

My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest

[laying in bed]
wife: Did you remember to find a stud before you hung the TV up?
me: Yes
*sound of TV crashing to the floor*
me: No

I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.

John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense

Me: So where’s all the security?

John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own

For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.

Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

Two robbers were robbing a liquor store when one robber grabs a bottle and asks the other robber “is this whiskey?”

The other says “yeah but not as whiskey as wobbing a bank”.

ME: I’ll have the pasta with mushroom, aka the fungus of the woods.

DATE: You know when you say it like that it’s not very appetizing.

ME: Oh, sorry! I’ll have the shrimp instead, aka the cockroach of the sea.

I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.

I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business

10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades

Me: Cool

Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor

Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick

My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand

the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon

I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.

HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.

– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell

[God creating teenagers]

What’s the most expensive way to be ignored?

Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*

is it just me or are we all a little bit disappointed whenever they lift a tsunami warning

Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.

Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh

waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone

[at Victoria’s Secret]

*folding panties on table*

“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”

Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*

ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian

I don’t know which meme to get my news from today