I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
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When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
capitalism is charging someone $200 after they die
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
If all lyrics were as profound as “I got soul, but I’m not a soldier” by The Killers…
5. I got hips, but I’m not a hipster
4. I got toes, but I’m not a toaster
4. I got hooves, but I’m not a hoover
3. I got badge, but I’m not a badger
1. I got meow, but I’m not a homeowner
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
just wanna disappear into a forest but, like, with modern appliances and Wi-Fi
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Him: How many people do you think he killed in that movie?
Me: What am I? John Wickipedia?
Him: Not funny.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
You’ve got a lotta nerve showing up here and being right.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours