I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
You Might Also Like
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
First day as a vet
Him: I need you to take a look at my turtle.
Me: the reptile dysfunction?
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
[ date ]
her: i have a PhD
zombie: *jaw falls off*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
I’m terrible with names…
…just ask my daughter Barry
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
When people say: “he’s a nice person once u get to know him”, they really mean: “he’s a dickhead, but you’ll get used to it!”
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
kinda fun if literal: earwigs
pls suprot
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*