Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?

Me: Absolutely not.

Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.

Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?

me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine

Jepfpf: no I haven’t

Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back

Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your mother

Dog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE

[mission]

CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?

ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work

CMDR: What? Let me see

ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT

5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

Dear diary,

Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning

Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?

The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called

wife: did you change the baby?

me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.

I put “the rap” in therapy.

Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.

My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.

Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.

Please don’t block me.

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

CUTE CAT‼︎

Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”

Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”