Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again

Me, crying: yes

My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again

Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes

“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour

When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”

I know that now.

My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.

Every woman I know is down catastrophic for the United Healthcare CEO assassin so if you’re a lonely, unstable, disaffected young man yearning for love and connection I can confidently tell you that there’s (1) thing you can do to get that special girl’s attention…

I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.

[my funeral]

college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.

An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.

I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.

I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”

Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?

Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.

You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult

😂😂😂

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.

*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?

Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.

The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.

birds: it’s peaceful this morning

birds: maybe too peaceful

birds: let’s all scream at once

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.

why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism