I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
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You can get anything you want in life, if you have the right amount of charge on your taser.
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
Me: *skips a rock perfectly across a pond*
Fred Flintstone: OH NO MY CELL PHONE
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
rest in peas
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop