I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
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*does the robot*
*crowd goes wild*
*gets arrested at Sharper Image for having sex with one of their products*
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
Usually I have to be home for Thanksgiving surrounded by family to see a 27 year old fist fight a 58 year old
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
Her: how are you still single?
Me: it’s easier than you think.
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Another interesting #factupdates post!
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
I just watched the uncut version of Scarface…….it’s called Face.
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Pro tip: never take a laxative and a sleeping pill at the same time.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet