Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbors don’t appreciate the vital service that I provide (being first on the walking trail every morning and therefore taking out all the spiderwebs with my face)

Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!

Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.

I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”

It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.

If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.

Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”

Me – *fast forwards to the end*

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

I accidentally opened a survey and tried to close it. I got a message that said “please answer survey!”

You need to slow your roll there survey.

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.

the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi

Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?

The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.

If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper

me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?

guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes

Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.

Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?

Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”

If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?

“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”

[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens

I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.

*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.

law suits: quality garments for lawyers

If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

I see no reason these two should not be wed, but I do like to make things about me.

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.