I put tater tots on my breakfast sandwich. I know, I know. I’ll be signing autographs later today.
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I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Oh sure, straight women call their female friends their “girlfriends” all the time, but when I wanna play smash bros with the guys suddenly “inviting my boyfriends over to smash” is “inappropriate”???
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
want me to check your oil?
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.