@PabloGSerski

I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.

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@hamersauce

gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*

@Parkerlawyer

My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.

@IamEnidColeslaw

watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them

@Spaziotwat

[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”

@casablankstare

Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw

@mdob11

Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.

@imadepoopstoday

Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”

@ddsmidt

I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.

@aotakeo

3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch