[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
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I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
wife: we are doing christmas with my family this year
remembering how me and my uncle got in a fist fight over whether the grinch is british: that’s fair
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Me: I never use essential oils
Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Me: How awful do I look?
Him: You always look beautiful.
Me: Do I need to put makeup on?
Him: Maybe just a…
*stare*
Him: No.
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying