I put the ‘c**k’ in ‘puts c**k in anything’.

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gingerbread man: hold on

[puts baking paper on the bed]

*kissing intensifies*


My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.


watching my cats groom each other and it feels like I should be throwing money at them


[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”


Smart of them to call it cookies I mean who’s gonna decline cookies? If they’d said this site uses snakes people would be like aw hell naw


Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.


Bring brownies to work.

Spend the rest of the day asking coworkers, “you feelin anything yet?”


I wish people would stop asking me if I’m on Twitter, clearly I’m not.


3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch