I put the clean laundry pile on my bed so I’d be motivated to fold it and have a place to sleep. So after a few nights sleeping on the couch I started scooping all the laundry up in my quilt, setting it on the floor, then putting it back on the bed in the morning.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
