I put the dance in “Good riddance!”
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
My boss just texted me and said,“Send me one of your funny jokes please.”
I replied “ I’m working hard at the moment,I will send you one later.”He replied, “That was fantastic,send me another one.”
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Coworker: Pass your random drug test?
Me: With flying colors!
CW: Really?
Me. So many colors!
CW: You’re high right now aren’t you?