I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
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Juror: we find the defendant guilty
Me: objection your honour! U already asked me if I was guilty & I told u I wasn’t
Judge: he has a point
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
Ape together strong
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time
My wife hid the wrong eggs 3 months ago & now there are about 100,000 baby sea turtles walking through our neighborhood asking for directions.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Me driving through Toronto
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
My boss called in sick of me
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
normalize wrapping all foods in cloth to allow for noiseless midnight snacking
If he’s a nice guy and treats you well, does it really matter what colour his Maserati is?
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??