I put the ‘fun’ in functional alcoholic.

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Me, after 17 asked what I did today, “I paid bills, went to bank, & work. Met w/3 clients. Did an uncontested divorce, a contested div, discovery packet, and a proposed order. I sent 28 emails. I bought groceries, cleaned the house and made dinner.”

17, “Have u seen my adderal?”



ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!


Apparently it was disrespectful to wear my Slayer hoodie at my friend’s murdered husband’s funeral.


Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!


At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of


Saying “to each his own” is the best way to tell someone you respect their right to have an extremely stupid opinion.


If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.