*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
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Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:
1. Work
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
why am I working on Labor Day
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
Even Forrest Gump got laid.
This is bullshit.
Dispatcher:
“The call is coming from inside the house!”Me, seconds from murdered:
“I have a landline?”
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.