I put the h in mysterious.
You Might Also Like
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I think my concept of time is way off since the pandemic started. Every day I see something like “happy 57th anniversary to the premiere of Two and a Half Men”.
prepare for carbonated trouble
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
Piñatas are a fun way to intentionally maim the guests at your party.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: [slams fist on dash] NO, WHY?!
Cop: Settle down sir
Me: [marries, has kids, gives up ambitions]
Cop: …
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them