I put the h in mysterious.
You Might Also Like
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
Who called it a vasectomy and not a cull de sack?
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
Don’t quote me, but I’m pretty sure mint Oreos are filled with toothpaste.
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
Getting on the floor to pick up a piece of paper after doing deadlifts was a choice
I guess I live down here now
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.