I put the hot in psychotic.
You Might Also Like
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Somedays I feel like running away.
Then I remember how much I hate running.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
Too much insomnia causes caffeine.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
More like Kate Missington.
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.