I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
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If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Saying “3 twins” is wild.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
How to make a woman scream in the bedroom: marry her and leave your clothes on the floor.
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.