Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%

Me: Forever young!

Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.

Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

instagram: look at my new boyfriend

twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend

reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours

birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here

I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex

And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double

I’m cat sitting for my daughter, and she sent me three pages of instructions, along with a video tutorial. Anyways, what’s a cat? She never specified that part.

Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”

I played the computer game Elite as a kid. Asked my Dad what Narcotics were and thought he said “Rugs”. Spent ages wondering why my carpet trading caused so much space police activity. Didn’t realise until years later.

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives

A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.

Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.

If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good

Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…

My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.

I’m sorry but how the hell did we land on the moon and back in 1969 but can’t retrieve our astronauts from the Space Station in 2024?

Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.

her: isn’t my baby beautiful

me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…precious

her: you said all of that out loud

The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.