Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[funeral]
ok I need everyone over 70 to gather for the bouquet toss

My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?

Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.

Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.

Me: And another thing…

establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

Clown: [reaching for his nose]

Driving instructor: just use the horn on the steering wheel, please

Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake

My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today

Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”

90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.

*taking training wheels off my old bike*

Mom: You’re not ready for this.

Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.

*starts pedaling; hits a tree*

I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.

Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.

Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.

I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.

I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection

I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.

Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can

Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”

2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,

“Hello. I sell doorbells.”

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.

If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.

At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.

At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”

I like this way better.

Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.

me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby

them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby

me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster